Because L is for Love

W00T!!!  I totally got addicted to Death Note last night at eleven o'clock.  Yeah, yeah, I know, you guys have been wanting me to read it.  But you neglected to mention the myriad of possibilities that L IS GAY and all the LxLight action and the handcuffs.

Yup.  The handcuffs clinched it for me. :]

ANYWAY I'm home alone right now reading Death Note manga but what's weird is that Kyle just called.  Yup, neighbor-man-Kyle.  To see if I was all right.  Um, yes, thank you, I'm fine, Joey just got home, we're fine, it's cool, why the hell are you calling, kthnxbai.

It was weird.  Seriously.  Wooow.

I don't like talking to neighbor-Kyle on the phone.  But I'm in love with L.

His toes are creepy.

I decided I need to change my layout.  Ed is growing rather tiresome. ><   Um... in other news, I could have gone to Borders today - there's a 40% off coupon and my mom asked if I wanted anything.  But then she found out that I might possibly get some manga, and she said "Oh well, I really don't want to spend twenty bucks just to get forty percent off."  SHE WAS WILLING TO TAKE ME BEFORE SHE REALIZED I MIGHT BUY MANGA!!!  I mean, what gives, yo?  I really, really wanted to try out Angel Sanctuary.  And Descendants of Darkness volume six is calling me!  It hasn't been there the last THREE times I went to a bookstore!  -head/desk-  My life sucks.

But the English final was relatively easy.  Relatively because I think I spent too much time on the essay and too little on the rhetorical analysis crap.  (You know, I can never spell analysis.  I always want to say analasys.)  Um... yeah.  I dunno; doing essay B (the fate one) about 1984 seemed pretty logical to me, at the time.  Apparently it wasn't.

I still have to go buy Genevieve's Christmas present, which shall be a baby doll named ______ Chiyuki ______, since Genevieve gets to choose the first name (she's picky) and I dunno if the last name will be Watt or Sinclair. -giggles-  I feel bad giving her a gift and not Rachel, though.  I feel bad giving you all gifts and not the rest of the world.  Stupid conscience.  -grumbles-

And stupid theology final!  I really should be studying but I'm an idiot and I lost the study guide where I wrote down the essays.  I know pretty much everything else...
Okay, essay 1 had something to do with... a person who (kinda) inspired you from the Old Testament, what they were like, and how it related to the covenant, right?
And essay 2 was about the whole entire theme of the covenant from Genesis to... the beginning of the New Testament, I guess.  Geez, I hope that's what they are.  It's funny that I made a gigantic study guide for everyone else and now I'm lost.  Once again: My karma sucks.

So, I wrote some stuff that Deidara maybe could possibly sorta say about Art, since I was bored and I felt like being deep.  Amy, lots of these are the ones you said were too deep... but I really can't tell the difference between 'deep' and 'profound', so a little help here.  (I don't think he would really say the majority of these at all, but it's fanfiction, right?  And one can only dream...)  So... without further ado:

Deidara's Art-isms

Bwahaha, the last one makes me cackle.  Okay, I had better stock up on fanfiction before my mom comes home, now.  (Lately I've been reading a few GaaraxNeji ones that I found on someone's favorite list.  I think I am growing to like this pairing. -grin-)

So It Goes.

I guess in all the turmoil and stuff from the past week, I started asking myself a few things, and I suppose I realized a lot that was completely obvious to everyone but me. And I guess I found out a bit about myself, too.

When everyone was grieving at the mass for Cameron, I couldn't cry. I mean, it would have been easy - my eyes were already all filled up with tears and I was blinking a lot and wiping them - but it felt wrong. I didn't feel like I deserved to cry, because I didn't even actually know him. I can't even remember if I saw him in the halls at all, and I'm sure I never talked to him. And so I decided that the people who actually knew him, and were friends with him, were the ones that needed comforting. I didn't want to take up anybody's time because I was affected by communal grief or anything. Like Mona put it when we were talking in chemistry: Cameron was probably like, "Uh, thanks for your tears but... who are you again?" Heh. To me it seems almost like disrespect, because I don't have the right to cry. I can be affected, and I can mourn for him and wish I actually knew him and empathize with his family and his friends and respect the people who were affected, but I don't think I should start sobbing and break down and all. (This made a lot more sense in my head.)

And another thing - about death. In the book Slaughterhouse-Five, by Kurt Vonnegut, there are these all-knowing beings from the planet Tralfamadore. They can see in all four dimensions, meaning time is traversible to them and, to some extent, they live in all moments at once. Therefore, for them, death is nothing but a passing phase, because in all the other moments, the Tralfamadorian that died is with them, and alive. Even the inevitable destruction of their species is not a matter for concern, because they'll still be alive in all the time preceding it. So when someone dies, they simply reply, "So it goes." Because that's how time passes, and, to them, there is no point grieving.

That made me think - God lives in all four dimensions, right? According to MacMurchadha-sama, the Hebrew symbol for God, "I AM", really means that God is, was, and always will be - that He is existence. If that's true, then all of us are already with Him in Heaven, and down on earth, simultaneously. So, for Him, those that have died are also still existing, because every moment happens at once and time really doesn't matter. Imagine if we could traverse all of Time with the same amount of effort it takes to walk, say, across the street. That means, instead of being linear, time would be spatial, and we could "walk around" in it from moment to moment, possibly skipping some of our bad days and spending most of our "lives" where it was nice. We could relive events and our whole lives over and over again.

Of course, if we assume that time is spatial and uses 'past' and 'future' for its dimensions as opposed to 'forward' and 'back', it would be a fixed entity. Possibly, it is a fixed entity already, regardless of how we perceive it. However, if we were able to travel in the fourth dimension like we travel in the third, then every decision would be mapped out for us. We would know exactly what kind of choices we would make, and, whether or not we accepted the future, it would still happen - like a self-fulfilling prophecy (think the Greek myth of Oedipus). So even if we were able to see what would happen in the future, people would still die at a preordained time and nothing would really change, except our knowledge, and our sense of futility.

No one knows the future. We can guess it, yes, and sometimes we're right, but no one can ever be completely sure. And this is what gives the human race its drive, its hope - because we know (we think) we can change what might happen through our actions. Every single one of our actions will possibly affect our future, and that's what gives us our will to be. If we knew everything - if Cameron knew he was going to die, for example - what would be the point of living? If everything was mapped out for us, and we knew the choices we were going to make regardless of free will or the lack of free will, why would we even bother? But still, some things can't be changed. Life just happens, regardless of what we do to stop the flow of time or turn it back.

This brings me back to Slaughterhouse-Five, and one of its themes, a simple prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom always to tell the difference.

Aubry Styka's dad did an operation on a seventeen year old girl yesterday, and gave her one of Cameron's kidneys.

So it goes.

Haha, I haven't blogged in a long while.  I just remembered I got that new layout.  It's the smex.  After all, anything Ed-related is the smex.  Speaking of Ed, I burned Aharon two CDs over the weekend, because he wanted to share in my wonderful collection of J-rock/anime music.  I was totally tempted to put a bunch of Bad Luck/Gravitation crap on there, but I decided that would be a baad idea.  So on one CD I gave him Gackt and alice nine. and some Ayumi Hamasaki, and on the other I gave him a bunch of FMA image songs, a song from Digimon that Envy's voice actor sings, a few FMA beginning/ending songs, some Naruto beginning/ending songs, and two from Bleach.  (I don't even know if he watches Bleach, oh well.)  He was very ecstatic pleased when I gave them to him in computer art.  And then we had more of our awkward conversations.  And this time it wasn't (quite) about anime!

Aharon: (he was talking about something) and it was like that one time at band camp.
Me:  Oh, hey, I've actually been to band camp!  Once...
Aharon: Was it like people say it was?
Me: Hunh?
Aharon: You know... -makes a suggestive motion-
Me: (wasn't watching) What?
Aharon: Meagan, show her what I did.
Meagan: No!
Aharon: Okay.  Katherine, look.  -makes suggestive motion again-
Me: Oh.  Um... maybe?  I dunno...
Aharon: Did you do that kind of stuff?
Me: Oh yeah, of course.  -sarcastic-
Aharon: In a Japanese schoolgirl outfit?
Me: -sarcastic- Definitely.
Aharon: ... -awkward pause-  Wow.  I totally wasn't expecting that.
Me and Meagan: ...
Aharon: Okay.  I'm finding my happy place now.  Happy place, happy place...
Me: -giggle-
Meagan: -is disturbed-

Yeah.  Now that I wrote it down, that's really awkward.  (I'm not sure if I should be scared or not. -sweatdrop-)  Oh well.  Aharon's cool.  Yay!  So is Meagan.  But we're, like, the only people that talk in computer art.  And we're kinda loud and obnoxious, and we discuss anime and Aharon's sailor fuku fetish.

God, I'm such a freak.

This picture is HOT: http://rokujou.deviantart.com/art/Envy-It-s-Badass-34809910

-changing subject...-

I have a C- in math.  And, I would actually have a good grade if Mrs. Lawson was a halfway decent teacher.  Seriously.  It's honestly not my fault!  (Well, it kinda is, but...)  We took a quiz last Friday that was cumulative for, I dunno, three or four weeks.  It was around fifteen questions, and we were able to do it in groups.  (I was with Julianne and Eric and Jessica.)  Since it was multiple choice, we all felt pretty confident.
But then Mrs. Lawson had to grade them.  She could have just done one single grade, and I think everything would have worked out fine.  But instead, she separated the problems into the lessons they were from and graded those each as a separate quiz.  So instead of having one decent grade, I have a bunch of different grades for only one or two questions.  Seriously.  This is how my math grade looks on edline (this is just the quiz part):
W8 Q     1.7-1.8 Quiz                     11/16/07 Other         6   10  60 D-
    W9 Q     2.1-2.2 Quiz                     11/16/07 Other         9   10  90 A-
    W10 Q    2.2 Quiz                         11/16/07 Other         8   10  80 B-
    W11 Q    2.2-2.4 Quiz                     11/16/07 Other         8   10  80 B-
    W12 Q    2.4-2.5 Quiz                     11/16/07 Other         6   10  60 D-
    W13 Q    2.6-2.7 Quiz                     11/16/07 Other         6   10  60 D-
    W14 Q    3.1-3.2 Quiz                     11/16/07 Other         6   10  60 D-
SHE GRADED FUCKING TWO QUESTIONS AT A TIME!!!!!!!!  And, the funny - not funny, the ironic thing is that she thought it would help us.

And I officially hate school.  The only class I really ever look forward to going to is chemistry, and that's just because of the Mr. Ball and his awesome coolness.  AcaDec is pretty fun but I'm rather certain that Ashley and Leeandra (is that how you spell it?) don't like me at all, especially Ashley.  I think it was because I was making mean faces at her in English.  Go figure.  And I'm really quiet in that class because I don't like them (at all) either.  But Michelle's really nice... Today was a free day and I played cards with her, Sam (the girl Sam), Nico (a sexy senior), and Roger (Erica's big brother).  We almost played strip poker, but then we did war instead.  -laughs nervously-  And English... I'm not gonna get into that again.
Orchestra is okay, but I'm mostly apathetic towards it.  Just like, whatever.  Oh, and I do like computer art!  Love that class.  Theology's really interesting, but, once again, whatever.

So only Chemistry and Computer Art are any good.

That sucks.

School sucks.

I am screwing myself over this year.

And I have a C- in math.

Shit.

Know what's sad?  When you can't tell whether someone's review is a flame or not.  But, anyway, moving on...  I'm going to angst and be all -cutwrist- depressed and emo... so skip this if you hate emo kids! -smile-

My grade-point average is a 4.0.  And, usually, people are as pleased as hell when they get 4.0 or anything higher.  I mean, I'm okay with it - I could have done better (last year my GPA was 4.3), but hey.  What are you gonna do?

But apparently the rest of the world has issues with it.  I guess the average GPA among honors students is about a 4.3/4.4, because this year they can take up to four honors classes: English, Math, Biology, and Spanish II.  And more people than ever before have grades higher than 4.0.

And I'm okay with that - I'm not really pleased, but I know I can do better than that and I will do better than that this quarter, because last quarter was slacking-off, getting into the groove, all that.

At least, I would be okay if people would stop rubbing their lovely, 4.1's and 4.2's in my face.  At first it's an innocent enough question: "Hey, Katie, what was your GPA?"  Then it turns into: "Ooh, only 4.0? Haha.  I got higher than that!  I got a four-point-one!  Hey, Ticas, guess what?  I'm smarter than Katie!  Yeah, did you hear that, Gerolyn?  She got a 4.0, I got a 4.1.  Yeah, that's right.  I'm the smartest person at this table right now."

Et cetera.  And et cetera.

CAN'T PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE ABOUT MY GRADES!!!!!!!!

Okay.  Deep breath.  Calm...

If I were in four honors classes like half of the rest of the world, I would be a little less uptight about this.  But I'm only in two classes that give an honors point: Honors English II and Honors Algebra II/Trig.  I could have been in Honors Spanish II if I had taken it in freshman year, but instead I chose Japanese.  (Yeah, Japanese, bitches.  Way harder than your stupid-ass 'espanol'.  I have to learn an entirely different way of writing, too.)  And instead of being in biology, which is the sophomore norm, I'm in chemistry, because I took biology in freshman year.  And that, unfortunately, doesn't have an honors class.  I don't even get an honors point for being a year ahead of (nearly) everyone else in science.

So excuse me if I'm being a little bit bitchy about this, but what am I supposed to do?  Just let these asses make fun of me because I'm in harder classes than they are?  Tch.  I'd like to see Victoria trying to understand chemistry.  And if I'm going overboard in the nastiness level... what do you expect?  I'm just retaliating.  Why do my grades matter to them so much?  Why does it make them feel like they've achieved something by getting .1 (one-tenth of a grade) higher than me?

I got three Bs this quarter - a B in math (but it's honors and therefore it's an A, and Mrs. Lawson doesn't fail to remind us at least once a week that we're learning at a college level, from a college textbook), a B in English (mostly because Ms. Garcia is a bitchette and that summer reading test expected us to recall minute detail) and a B+ in Chemistry (which is undoubtedly the hardest class I have ever taken in my life).  Does that make me the dumbest person on earth?  Hell no.  But does that give people the right to treat me like I'm the village idiot?  Apparently, yes.

And, on the other side of the social spectrum, my parents seem to take an issue with my grades too.  I (accidentally) was reading one of my mom's emails, and she said - I quote - "We are not too pleased with her grades this semester. It is difficult to say that to Katie because we expect a lot out of her."

What the hell is that supposed to mean?  You're afraid of bursting my perfect little intelligent ego bubble?  You're tired of telling me that you won't accept me getting a B?  Well I'm sorry for actually being human.  (And why do my parents have to email this to everyone?  Are they getting all the parents stirred up about my grades, too?  Are they giving them permission to say to their kids: 'Look, a 4.1! You did better than Katie Sinclair!"?)

They're just grades.  They're letters on a piece of paper.  And plenty of people would be happy with a 4.0 GPA.  Ecstatic, even.  So why can't I mess up every now and then?  Why is everyone watching me for the standard?

It fucking sucks to be intelligent.